You slip and it's all downhill

When I see the darkness that is outside my window, I wonder whether anything is worth doing anymore. But I know, perhaps I'm their only hope for a better life. At least a better one than the one we are living right now. I can't even contemplate of ending it for good, knowing that I'll end not only one but four, all in one jump.

The idea of destiny and fate may seem romantic to many but I strongly believe in the power of human will. I know I can make it better, somehow, although I still don't know how. Or maybe this is my fate and destiny. I know the concept of the wheel of fortune and maybe the last five years has been the best years of my life and perhaps it is time to be somewhere at the bottom of the wheel. Again.

Sure, I can wave it off saying that it'll pass away like it always do. We'll find our break and start living anew from there. Then I'll just put my usual brave front and faked smile so that no one will know what's actually happening. And maybe the cards will fall correctly and I can drop all that act. But once in a while, the face cracks and I get a glimpse of what to come if the cards don't fall correctly. What if we are doomed this time ? What if there's no light at the end of the tunnel crap ? What if it'll just get worse and worse ? Can I ever hold it that long ? Can I ever hold it forever ? What the hell is keeping me going and going with all this shit ? I'll tell you what keeps me going. It's a friend who sincerely ask me whether everything is alright with my life. It's someone who calls me at midnight and talked about her days and asked how my day was and made me laugh and I made her laughed too. It's the image of my family back home knowing that they're going through this much harder than me. It's a friend who says hi through msn without asking a question about his/her busted computer after that hi. And maybe you too, God.

For these people, my humblest gratitude. And maybe, somewhere along the line, I'm going to need that again. I got it hard this time. How I envy you people out there who got it good.